15.10.06

It's always desperate love letters

What have I done?
I don't know if I have struck down the right path.
The trees lean in on me, they creak and cry in ominous warning. The sky's belly ripped open, pouring an acid rain, that stains my skin. The crows cackle in contempt at my tears. I've broken my own heart. I've broken yours. Is there any way to heal this?
I can't help but feel now, that you're the only thing I want from this world. Without you all the colors are grey. Every song is a love song. Everyone is holding someone else, or bitter and ugly in their chosen solitude. Everywhere is polarity, there is no variation, only with or without you.
I chose this. I would change my mind but it's too late now.
All I want is you.
You you you.
You are too far away. And when I see you, it tortures me that I might lose you even more. It must happen. How can you do anything but run away from me, when I have ruined us in such a way?
No no no it can't happen.
Oh god, I am praying to you. Please believe in me, please stand with me, I won't ever stray too far. I will always come back to you. I'm so sorry. I hate that I couldn't be strong enough for you.
All I want is you. My life with you. I don't care where we are, I just want to be there with you.
I want to be a better person. I want to grow. Every sign is telling me that I must, that this is my fate. But nothing told me that I would have to sacrifice you. Do I have to?
It makes me ill with dread that life would make me choose between you and myself. How can I be whole without you? I would be a shadow of my soul, a photograph of a memory. A false history.
What do I have to do? What do you want from me? I will do it.
This time without you has shown me that I can fight for you. I can do anything for you, because I have seen what it is to not have you. I'm sorry that I couldn't see it so before.
I am young and stupid and selfish.
I am so afraid, that you don't believe in me, that I hurt you too much, that you can never trust me, that you see me as an ugly person. I fucked up. I let my life fall into disrepair. I leaned on you to much, and when you couldn't give me what I needed, I couldn't rely on myself. The muscle of my will, my imagination, my passion had all gone too weak to use again. I was using yours the whole time.
It isn't because I am too weak now that I want you so bad, though it would appear to be that way by the words I write. I have been recovering for awhile now, before any of this trauma was unleashed. I started to fix things. I had hope and confidence. But I had to let you go a little bit. I had to take the whole thing apart and put it back together. But that fucked with you. And I acted brashly and took a mad jump in the dark. But I have a plan in practice. I've seen the light again so to speak. I know myself better. I know what I need to do to be happy, and whole. I think I can make everything work out well enough.
I just know I want you as much as I want the space to create myself in. The self to share with you. You are my best friend. You breath color into every thread of life. You are companionship and passion and emotion and the very mystery of life itself. You are my soul. And I will hold onto you selfishly and stubbornly in the very grip of death itself.

14.6.06

a leap into the dark

I must gather the many fleeting thoughts. Like little seeds. And plant them under an open window. Where they can grow.